Too Fat to Eat Like That

For my nephew’s christening last weekend, I packed a pair of brown slacks I bought about four years ago. I overestimated my swine-flu-weight loss. The pants were skin tight; we are talking spray painted. Even Mum asked if I had anything else to wear. Imagine! I was a little self-conscious at first, but eventually didn’t give a shit.

I returned to work on Monday and swore I would take action to lose weight. “No more junk food,” I declared. I am proud to say little sugar and carbohydrate touched my lips this week, until today that is when the canteen hosted a Thanksgiving lunch. I initially stood my ground, opting for salad. When I saw the desserts on offer, I caved for some mixture of mango, biscuit and cream; apparently, titled a Syllabub.

I carried my heaving stomach to my desk to find a large tin of Cadbury’s Roses. Since we are at year end, working hard, my boss treated us. Despite my earlier gluttony, I stuffed my face with Roses. I am sad to admit these Roses were not of the floral variety. I pretty much climbed into the tin of chocolate like it were a bath and I was some unwashed bastard. I stuffed my face.

Sometimes, I disgust myself.