I’ve decided I am no longer going to torture myself with the pig swill served in the office canteen. I have decided to make my own lunch. Tonight, I went to Tesco to buy ingredients. I was a little out of my comfort zone. For the last year, Boyfriend has taken full responsibility for cooking and food shopping. I am spoilt rotten.
I could not find anything in the supermarket. It took fifteen minutes to locate yoghurt, which for some special reason has its own aisle nowhere near milk or cheese. The store’s layout makes no sense to a sane, logical person. I finished off my expedition with my favourite supermarket activity – the self-service checkout.
I find the self-service checkout a little pressurising. Items regularly fail to scan; the machine jams, repeating “unidentified item placed in bagging area” in an irritating, English woman’s voice. This was the perfect moment for me to get a mental block, when I needed to identify a vegetable whose name often eludes me. It was necessary to ‘phone a friend’.
Much to the amusement of the queue behind me, I took out my mobile and rang Best Friend. The phone rang a couple of times before he answered.
“Hi. How are you?” asked Best Friend.
“Hi there,” I said sharply. “I am in the super market at the self-service checkout. I am scanning vegetables. I can’t remember the name of a vegetable. What’s the vegetable I always get mixed up? It’s green.”
“Is it a cucumber?” enquired Best Friend inquisitively.
“No, I don’t like cucumbers and it’s not a cucumber. You know the ones I always get mixed up? I know it’s not an egg plant.”
“Is it an aubergine?” he guessed.
“Nope. It’s the other one. The one you make that stuff with? Fuck … what’s that stuff called … guacamole! What do you make guacamole with?”
“Yes, that’s the one. Thanks for the help.”
Best Friend laughed.
“OK, bye. Thanks for that,” I said quickly before hanging up.